


Petals

by kn1ghtofh34rt



Category: Homestuck
Genre: :(, Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Please dont kill me, Sad, Unrequited Love, dirkjake - Freeform, so much fucking angst, this hurt to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:09:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23142223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kn1ghtofh34rt/pseuds/kn1ghtofh34rt
Summary: After everything thatd happened, how could dirk ever like jake back?
Relationships: DirkJake
Kudos: 11





	Petals

**Author's Note:**

> yo okay so basically this is hanahaki au which is basically when you dont experience requited love, your lungs fill with flowers until you die. i think traditionally theres a cure, but here there is none so jakes havin fun dying :)
> 
> i am so sorry for the pain i have created. yes i almost cried writing it. not its not edited because i like it raw.

“I'm sorry”  
I spun on my heel. That fucker. That motherfucker. He destroyed me. He destroyed my essence. And all he can say is sorry? My gut burned. The overwhelming anger I'd been swallowing down started to boil up and cloud my head. Who did Jake think he was? Apologizing? When he hardly did anything? Jesus fuck. I shook from head to toe. I could feel him reach out to me, when i looked up sharply.  
“Don't fucking apologize. You aren't going to change anything.” My voice was hard and sharp. It cut like a knife in the cool morning air of Jake’s mansion.  
“Dirk. Please.” He choked out a sob. God he was pathetic. Look at this enormous mass of a man sobbing over something he knew would happen. He always knew I wasn't good enough for him. He always knew I'd never be what he wanted. What he needed. Because fuck am i ever a god awful person, ignoring his social cues. Pushing him to the limits of his patience, just so i could feel him break. So i could watch his guts spill on a marble floor as he scrambled to pick up my own. I wanted him to hate me.  
And then he coughed. A cough i knew all too well. One deep from within his chest. One that burned your throat and made you ache and weeze. One that sent blood hurling out of your mouth and onto the floor. And that's where Jake was. On the floor. Coughing and wheezing. Writhing in pain. I wanted to put him out of his misery. But Jake was dying, and it's all my fault.  
I watched the red and pink of blood and petals wash from his mouth. He was dying. He was dying. He was dying. And it was my fault. It's all my fucking fault. It's all my fucking fault. It's all my fucking fault.  
I felt a tear drop from my eyes. Stupid things. What's the use of wearing shades that hide your face if you're just going to show emotion anyways. I wanted to help him. I want to help him. He needs me.  
But i don't love him.  
How could I? Guilt spilt from inside me and suddenly i was on the floor as well. Jake was almost passed out, and here i was, sobbing like a fucking child. Jake didn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve this. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why?  
I could never love him back. After what i did to him? No fucking chance. I wouldn't allow myself or him to be hurt by each other anymore. But fuck. He was dying. My first crush. My only fucking friend. He was dying because i'm too fucking selfish. I am scared. I am overwhelmed. I'm. I'm.  
I'm a failure.  
I couldn't handle the responsibilities of going ultimate. I went too quickly. Got too overwhelmed. This Earth was too plain. We needed a villain. And that was me. My only fucking purpose is to mess things up.  
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?  
It's all my fault. I could've helped him. I could help him.  
I'm a fucking failure.  
I'm a fucking failure.  
Why should I even be alive if I can't help the ones I care about? Instead he's here. Dying. Because i can't love him. Because i can't care enough. Because no matter what i do, i'll never be enough for him. I'll never be good enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not.  
And then he looked at me. With those big puppy dog eyes, i could've gotten lost in. He smiled. How could he be smiling at me when he's on his fucking death bed? The disease is taking over him and i can't fucking save him.  
But he smiled. And God did I ever feel safe in that smile. His square jaw. His tan skin. His hair that was always messy no matter how much you combed through it with your hands. His lips were softer than you could imagine. I remembered them grazing my skin, trailing my scars, trailing my veins, trailing me. And his hands. So big and sturdy. He could hold you and you'd swear everything would be okay. And everything was okay, then. Because he wasn't dying. And i loved him. And he loved me. And i thought the feelings had faded. But apparently not and fuck he was crying again and i was crying and god i wanted to kiss him but that wasn't fucking fair thats not fucking fair it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair.  
And then he placed his hand on my cheek. And my thoughts stopped. And i couldn't breathe and he was looking at me and his eyes were green. His eyes were green. His eye were green and fuck did i ever love green and he wiped the tears from my eyes, under my shades. And he sat up. And fuck. I'm sorry, Jake. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I’m sorry. I'm sorry.  
“I'm sorry.”  
And then he pressed those big broad lips to my forehead and i was crying again and he ran his hand through my hair and pulled me into his chest and i could feel his muscles and i could feel his warmth and his love and it was the only fucking love i'd ever felt and i couldn't even return it.  
“I'm sorry.”


End file.
